My Best Selfie … In My Own Mind

My Best Selfie … In My Own Mind
By Sheryl McAlister, a freelance writer based in SC.

In my mind, I would look like Tea Leoni, walk like her, talk like her, wear glasses like her, look as good in a typical, dark, business suit as she does. Be the character she plays on CBS – the former CIA bad ass as well as the one who’s fourth in line for the Presidency.

Cool, sophisticated, thin. Boobs just the right size. Swagger that resembles more John Wayne than Martha Graham.

I don’t celebrity stalk Tea Leoni. Couldn’t even tell you every movie she’s ever been in. Mostly because in every movie I can recall, she basically plays …. Tea Leoni.

So that’s the way I would look if I could actually pick the way I could look.

I would also have the leadership skills of Nelson Mandela, the courage of Helen Keller and the athletic ability of Martina Navratilova. Hey, it’s my selfie.

Now, the reality is more like this. Imagine Rosie O’Donnell with salt and pepper hair.

If you recall the movie “A League of Their Own,” I’m more like Rosie’s character Doris – loud, inclined toward obnoxious at times. Insanely competitive. Incidentally, guess who else was in that movie? Yes, Madonna. But that’s not who I’m talking about.

Yep, Tea Leoni. (That point came to me later. I had to look it up to confirm it.)

I don’t like to take pictures of myself. I don’t like to look at pictures of myself past a certain age or size. And I actually don’t look at myself in the mirror. I don’t think it all comes from some deep-seated emotional issues — although that’s certainly up for debate — or a lack of self-esteem.

Though I love taking photographs, words — not visuals — are my chosen vehicle to leave my fingerprints on something. I am a recovering corporate communications executive and also was a sports writer and editor, so words are part of my DNA — my actual self.

I guess Facebook would be the modern-day equivalent of scratching one’s name into a wooden structure. A mark, for all eternity, that we were here.

I’m not on Facebook. I blog and tweet, although neither one to obsession. I like Erma Bombeck and Mark Twain, and, well-past high school age, I’ve grown to appreciate the real meaning of Ernest Hemingway’s “The Old Man & The Sea.”

I believe a society should take extreme care of its kids and its old people, and protect them from all bad things. I believe everybody should have a fair shot at life, no matter where they came from. I believe people should buy local seafood, not the imported shit. And that beer should be served ice cold.

I believe in Santa Claus, karma and God. I believe laughter solves a lot of problems. I believe Mae West was correct when she said: “You only live once. But if you do it right, once is enough.”

I also believe — even if only in my own mind — I’d still look like Tea Leoni.

Jus’ sayin.’
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Copyright © 2015 Sheryl McAlister.